(Content warnings for mental health, suicide, and associated topics)
Ren put out a new video in the last couple of weeks that came to my attention today, reminding me that as someone who in a healthier state used to talk a lot more about mental health stuff and that guy needs to tap into and talk about Ren.
I’ve been wanting to talk about this guy for awhile, promised that I would talk about Ren, but I’ve been putting it off. Almost like looking in a mirror for me. Mirrors aren’t always a whole lot of fun.
But that’s really what seems like the Ren experience. He goes in the places we need to go and either refuse to, or can’t because we can’t trust those around us to hold the space needed for us to go there.
I had never heard of him until a dear friend sent me some music to listen to from him, because she had really connected to his work. He’s very different from anyone who is out there right now. Stylistically, he’s very much his own. You can tell he has a lot of different influences going on there. There’s some hip-hop there, he talks about Eminem being one of his first musical connections and you can hear that. The way he cuts to the core of things definitely gives me that sense of another influence he mentions, Rage Against the Machine. But I think if you go deeper, he’s cut from that folk singer cloth. The way he is a storyteller is very much in that folk mold, and he talks about I believe his dad who connected him to a lot of that.
But more than any of those pieces of a failed attempt to describe Ren, Because he is very much his own.
He had started to tap into his musical calling at a very young age, was busking and performing in his teens, and had gotten to where he had been signed to a label and working on his first album…
...and then his world came crashing down around him.
I’m not going to turn this fully into a bio, because that’s all out there to find, but enough to understand the history and the connection is fair game.
He struggled with deep fatigue, brain fog, an inability to tap into his creative resources as well as a struggle to handle the day to day of life. At one point he was bedridden for a year. He body was literally in shutdown mode and it was all about just trying to survive.
His mental health was as much of a battle as the physical stuff, at one point going into psychosis.
He knew that he wasn’t getting any answers from what he was being told about his health, and he began to seek out anyone and everyone, at one point investigating if this involved a demon. He started to behave erratically thinking that if he could fool whatever is going on within him, that it might let go.
Ultimately he found out that he had Lyme disease, but even with that diagnosis, there wasn’t a whole lot of healing happening.
He found some relief through a stem cell treatment, and he’s talked about how it comes in waves these days, good days and bad days. He’s still seeking out more concrete answers and full healing, and still has a GoFundMe in place to help with his medical journey.
I wanted to share Ren’s appearance on the Justin Hawkins Rides Again YouTube channel/ podcast. It’s almost 2 hours but worth it. Both being musicians (Justin is lead singer of The Darkness, for those who may not know), there’s a decent amount of “shop talk”, but he does share a lot of his story and his “why”. It’s good stuff.
He’s best known for a 9 minute song/ video that went viral called “Hi Ren”, which is below. It’s haunting as hell, and you will feel some things, especially if you or someone you love has struggled with mental health issues. I’ll leave it for you here.
It’s hard, but also maybe one of the most important musical pieces to land recently. Because it’s a conversation that needs to be had on a macro and micro level. And not just as a distraction by those who want to deflect from something else-but even then, when it’s offered it’s treated with a big ol’ “nah!” Whether it’s politicians refusing to fund what’s needed because those advocates don’t offer the bribes that others do, or family members just looking for a way to “eliminate the problem” instead of supporting and advocating for a supposed loved one.
And there are many of us out here on our own islands right now, that it feels like nobody wants to acknowledge because they might actually have to act.
That’s where the mirror of Ren, or the reason I avoid writing about him, comes into play. Because I have to talk more about my own experiences, and I’m believing a story that has a lot of proof that nobody gives a shit about my experience, in particular the last year and a half. But I still have to face it and advocate for myself anyway, and in the process those others who need it too.
A lot of what Ren experienced is very familiar to me, even if the timeline and the source are different (and we’re all unique in our experience anyway).
I’ve had a struggle mentally off and on most of my life. Over the years, I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and ADHD. There may be more in there too. I’ve been to the point where I was done and I wanted out. There’s no lower feeling than knowing that your own brain is failing you, and that knowing that you’re completely on your own to deal with it whether you are able to or not. Of trying to get those around you, medical professionals, pencil pushers and bean counters from health insurance companies, etc. to believe you, want to help you, and connect you to the supports you need. Of going out of your way to make sure your employers don’t find out because then you get to add “no income” to the list of problems.
I’ve worked my ass off to heal myself on a number of levels. I was open about that and shared my stories to those who would listen. Truth is, more people get it than you know, and in places you would never expect. They just learned they have to keep it to themselves.
This was so much of what I was trying to create for years, safe spaces where people could at the least be seen, and can connect with others who get them, can help point each other in the right direction to get what we need (and of course it is different for everyone). I knew I wasn’t a therapist, didn’t play one on TV, and hadn’t stayed at a Holiday Inn Express. But I knew that nobody deserves to suffer alone. Nobody deserves to have to find their own way to stuff their shit down. Because you know what happens when we get that? Look around. It comes out somewhere, it has too. It doesn’t cease to exist, it transforms into something else. Addiction. Abuse. Violence. Illness. On and on. The suffering comes out somewhere. There are other pieces to the puzzle, ranging from medical, spiritual, financial-if you think running yourself into the ground to have a fighting chance to maybe pay your bills and stay above water doesn’t traumatize the fuck out of many of us, then enjoy your denial, social-hurt people punching down on others they deem “below” them based on their gender identity, sexuality, skin color, ethnicity, income level, or whatever other thing the scumbag on TV says to hate, or just the fricking structure of all of this capitalist oligarchy pretending to be a democratic republic every first Tuesday in November.
Yeah, all of that and then some. I know that was a whole lot and it was written confusingly but that’s the point. It’s fucking overwhelming.
So the point is that all the work I did, and all the work so many of us do only goes so far because there is so much to overcome and while we need to lead our own healing, we aren’t and were never meant to do this on our own. Anyone that programmed us to believe otherwise lied to us and deserves to be dope slapped. Don’t actually dope slap them though, because in most places it’s also called assault and battery and while self defense is an acceptable defense if you have the right income bracket or skin color, “this asshole deserved it” tends not to work so well. And while I might nod and smile, if you start with the “pick yourself up by the bootstraps” crap around me know that I’ve imagined you as a member of the Stark clan as part of the Red Wedding.
So that’s a lot of what drove me...but also knowing that there is hope and healing possible for us if and when we are ready for it and if and when we have the supportive community behind us to hold us up and cheer us on, and to give us what we need as we go while also allowing us to give of ourselves to support their healing as well.
Then, I got COVID. COVID decided to make itself a long-term resident. A lot of those symptoms Ren was talking about? I live with those daily. Chronic fatigue, the type that 10 hours sleep does nothing for. Brain fog? Let’s talk about that. Some days it is all I can do to do basic existence. Occasionally I get a creative burst, but not like I used to. I struggle with holding a conversation without going off on a ton of side tangents (way worse than before.) I get lost and confused in grocery stores, places I know like the back of my hand. I can’t drive. Sometimes I can’t process a red light changing to green. Now that is just annoying but sometimes my brain won’t process that there is a moving car in that place I am trying to turn until it’s swerving to avoid me-that is terrifying! Being unable to keep things together that used to be easy, like my groups and social media. Hearing all kinds of gaps when I do audio work because my brain can’t find words at the rate it should. Being unable to do a lot of what I was really good at, especially involving mentoring and support because no matter how much I tried, I can’t connect intuitively like I used to. Tapping into that inner knowing in general is a pointless folly.
Makes it really fucking hard to make an income, and you kind of need an income to be able to tap into the resources that might help. “So get a job, loser!” I’d love to, if I could trust that I wouldn’t lock up in big spots, or if I could even process the application on my own.
What else comes with all this long hauler brain fog goodness? All that work I’ve done to heal mentally...gone. It’s like in Ghostbusters where the EPA guy comes and turn off the reactor and releases all the ghosts back out into New York City. So know besides all of this, I am struggling with anxiety, depression, ADHD, and PTSD (and whatever else) at a level that feels like they’ve all been juiced up with Barry Bonds in 2001-level steroids. For all those that look forward to my burning in hell, it’s going to be a vacation compared to this.
What I’ve learned is that for the most part, this is inconvenient and nobody cares. This seems to be a trend with long COVID, as it is with those who are disabled or struggling mentally. Especially if they don’t have a lot of answers, as is the case with long COVID. Nobody wants to acknowledge it.
It’s like I’ve become the person I was trying to advocate for, lost, alone, desperate to be seen and to matter. And there’s nobody there for me and I have no choice but to keep trying to bootstrap this, which is about as effective as a drunk trying to unlock their front door.
That’s the shit I didn’t want to acknowledge, because the proof is that I’m at best an inconvenience that needs to be eliminated.
But it’s all shit that needs to be talked about, even if it makes people uncomfortable. There are so many of us out here, even if it feels like were disconnected and on our own to try and figure it out. What we need is community to support us and empower us to find our healing. We need to be listened to, to be acknowledged, to have the world understand that we exist and deserve to be seen as who we are, not as a goddamn inconvenience.
And that is why musicians like Ren who are out there are so damn important, that they are willing to open up their souls to us and share their pain and struggle. They give us permission to be seen, and at the same time show us that we aren’t alone out here in the weeds.
So thank you brother. May you continue to find what you need in your music, and wishing you all the best in your journey to continued healing.
And to those of us struggling with our own battles, the ones nobody knows about, the ones it feels like nobody gives a shit about, and all the other ones in between...may you be seen not as your struggles but as who you are underneath them. May you find healing, and with that peace, joy, and community of people who will never leave you behind, who will hold you up, who will have your back, and who will celebrate you.
Here’s a couple more for the road:
Okay, maybe more than a couple?