To Persevering
I connected with an old friend the other day. Out here, in the deep boonies. Seriously. Came 2 and a half-ish hours out of her way just to visit me. Came out this way from a land very far away to the place she was staying that was said 2.5ish hours away.
It was really cool, and yet, it was hard for me to receive. It’s very hard for me to allow people to go out of their way for me. I tend to not know what to do with it except to try and talk them out of it, or make up some excuse as to why I wasn’t available. Because I don’t deserve nice things, as life taught me early and often.
This time, I did not listen to that noise. I accepted and it was a very enjoyable day, getting to leave for a little bit and explore the world and share a nice lunch and to be able to have in depth conversation in person with someone other than my shadow.
I accepted the opportunity to put into practice what I’ve been trying to release for ages, that belief that I am undeserving of nice things, that I’ll have to settle for what I can get, that I’ll never be allowed to wait for something better because time always runs out and I always lose.
My friend pointed out to me how...I can’t remember exactly how it was said but it was along the lines of giving me credit for being determined, strong-willed, sticking with this no matter what kinds of crap came flying at me. That I’m still writing, still creating. And the first response was to point out that I had an interview lined up for a job that paid well but was going to consume so much of my time that I knew I would have to give up on this. All I had to do was not screw up the second interview...which of course I did my catching COVID.
It’s a sample of how easy it is to deflect, and meet everything like that with a bad experience or a shitty comment as a “counter”. But there’s always going to be bad experiences and shitty comments. And I’ve still done some really cool shit whether anyone else cares or not.
It’s easy to get spun around in the financial failures and Monday morning quarterbacks. That victim mindset is such an easy trap to fall into. But for what? So I can sit there on my deathbed and kick myself for buying into that? No!
I have to keep trying. I don’t care how stupid it looks from the outside.
Truth is, I need to. I need to be the voice that’s bigger and louder than the voices who tell me I suck.
Because I’ve already had many moments where my words have meant everything to a reader, and gave them an opportunity to feel seen that their world would not allow them. And if you think you can pigeon hole who you think that audience is...you can’t. You would be blown away if you knew who was reading what I put out there.
It’s not about me attempting to be an expert at anything. I’m not. But that’s not the point. I’m clunky, awkward, and more often than not I have no idea what the fuck I am doing. I know I’m here to show people how to remember who they are, by remembering who I am. To take crazy risks and to get over the fears and to be bold and not take myself so seriously. To let what I experience guide me toward what I need to say. To let it be okay not to get it right the first time, and to change my mind when it’s clear that I have learned incorrectly or I’m simply full of shit. To do what I can to give ourselves permission and safety to talk about hard things.
It doesn’t have to work the way it does. We shouldn’t be afraid to learn to understand ourselves and each other...we shouldn’t be afraid of each other, period. We only are because some asshole on TV or on a podcast or in a pulpit told us to be. They know they’re lying and they’re getting off using this shit to manipulate us for power and profit. I’m sick of it, we deserve better. The hate and the fear lessens us all, and it doesn’t give people the power that they think it does. The thing nobody wants to hear is that the only way out is through, to heal those pieces that the fear triggers so that there’s no longer a need for the fear. It doesn’t get screamed away, legislated away, bombed away, judged away. Tried ‘em all, they don’t work. And yeah, I’m going to keep screaming this out until I can no longer.
But in the end, the worst culprits are the ones within that take all thoise terrible things we’ve heard about ourselves and turned them into the anthology from hell.
For me, it’s understanding that the faces behind the bulk of those voices...I know that while they may have means, and they have stuff and things, it never kept them from being completely miserable. Trying to placate those voices doesn’t make them less miserable, it just makes me more misery-prone. I can’t make them release that...or do anything, nor should I ever have that kind of power. I can wish those that are still here grace and healing and that life gives them the opportunity to receive that which would bring them joy, wonder, adventure, curiosity, creativity, all those things. Whatever they may have done to me, they don’t deserve to suffer, they’ve done enough of that. They wouldn’t have done those things to hurt me if they weren’t in pain. People living in fulfillment don’t have the need to hurt other people, it doesn’t even dawn on them. If they say different, they’re lying. Mostly to themselves.
And the thing I’m learning to understand about coming from a place of joy is that it becomes easier to receive what the world wants to offer you. Now I am not promising that it’s going to magically solve our collective or individual financial and other bullshit. It hasn’t here yet. It hasn’t solved a lot of other things yet either. But it may make it easier to find possibilities. And even if not...I’m no guru, I know shit about shit and I make no promises unless things are in hand...but I do know that even if nothing shifts on the outside we can choose to make the most of it, accept what is and find ways to live from joy anyway.
And some days, it ain’t gonna work. We are going to continue to deal with bad breaks and bad situations, and we’re going to think some things and we are going to feel some things. We need to learn not to bury that crap, and give ourselves permission and most of all the inner safety to feel those things. To say what we need to say and process how we need to. To cry, to find healthy releases, to drop as many f-bombs as we need to without being so hard on ourselves. To take all that space that we need for ourselves.
And we can do our best to learn to choose joy, or wonder, so some other cool default spaces over time.
And at the very least, get up, look around, and realize that we are still fricking here, trying to get there.
Cheers to us.